Electronics
Online dating
Introduction
You can't beat internet dating for meeting people, but is it the place to find true love? We found cheesy male chat-up lines, a lurking sexual predator and a success story.
Internet dating is now widely accepted as the way to meet people - it's convenient, you can search for the specific attributes you are looking for in a partner, and getting to know someone online is not as scary as meeting them in the flesh.
We tried dating services back in 2006 and found online dating produced the most dates for our singles. But how successful is it for finding love?
Online dating experiences
We spoke to 8 people in the Wellington area about their experiences with online dating. All the daters are users of FindSomeone or NZDating - some use both.
They were all satisfied with their site and felt it was simple to use and good value for money. They could meet a new person every week, which increased their circle of friends. But what about finding love?
The good, the bad, and the iLOVE ugly
The female internet daters had mixed experiences - some didn't find the experience very good at all. One single admitted that although she had more dates from the internet, the quality of men she met was lower: "It's a quantity versus quality trade-off."
Population Association of New Zealand demographic analyst Robert Didham agrees. He recently told 'The New Zealand Herald' women are lamenting not a lack of men, but a lack of suitable men. Didham also noted a similar sentiment in Alaska, where men greatly outnumber women: "Somebody had quipped that the odds are good, but the goods are odd."
Another dater said she found the "smorgasbord" approach distasteful. "I prefer the guy to put in a bit of effort to ask me out, make me feel a bit special. I don't want to be just another woman on the menu who gets sent the same bulk email as everyone else." All our daters said that it was obvious when a bulk email had been used to initiate contact. They found this a real turn-off.
Sexual predators
Daters also identified an alarming pattern of what they described as predatory sexual behaviour. This included lack of respect for personal space ("he would have pounced on me if it wasn't for the table between us"), inappropriate touching, pressure to accompany the man back to his place "for dinner" and over-the-top compliments that our single women described as "obvious lines ... just plain tacky".
Disturbingly, we discovered that our female daters were describing one particular man, and unfortunately they had all dated him. When she found this out, one dater commented "Gross. But now we all know who he is ... and Wellington is a very small town".
Some of the risks of internet dating have been highlighted by the arrest of a Huntly man for the alleged rape and sexual violation of two women. He had met them through an internet dating site. It pays to be cautious on a first meeting (see the box " Five iLOVE tips").
One of our male daters said he was really surprised to find out a woman he was meeting for coffee turned out to be married, despite claiming to be single on the internet. At the meeting she was upfront, complete with wedding band, asking "Do you mind that I'm married?" Unfortunately for her, he did.
But it's not all bad. Our daters said they had all met some lovely genuine people through internet dating and would continue to do it.
iLOVE you
Wellington couple Tamsin and Paul met through internet dating and have been happy in love for almost two years.
After returning from her OE, Tamsin found it hard to meet new people. "I was always out, but I just never met anyone new. All my friends were already in couples." Tamsin's flatmate was already online dating, so she decided she had nothing to lose and gave FindSomeone a go. "I decided to use FindSomeone because it's a moderated site and its popularity with the 30-plus age group suited me."
Tamsin was on the site for six months before meeting Paul. Tamsin says that if it wasn't for the internet she and Paul would never have crossed paths. "Paul was not remotely in my social circle and he lived in Lower Hutt. There was no way we would ever have met."
They now have a six-month old daughter, Eva, and are getting married at Easter. "We're a definite success story," she says, "but it's a numbers game."
Tamsin's advice to would-be daters is to get online, be proactive about looking for someone special and then stick with it.
Pros and cons
What our daters like about internet dating:
- It's an opportunity to meet lots of people you might not normally come across.
- It's much cheaper than other dating services.
- You can "screen" people for specific attributes.
- It's great for making friends with similar interests.
- You can find out more about your own dating style and personality, and change your approach as you learn more.
What our daters don't like about internet dating:
- There's a temptation to have unrealistic expectations.
- It can be awkward if you meet someone offline and within five minutes you want to run.
- The next temptation is only a mouse-click away.
- It can lead to treating people with less respect than you otherwise might when it becomes the norm to dump someone via email.
- Communication can be difficult - it doesn't matter how many smileys or emoticons you put in your emails you can't always get across the nuances of what you mean.
- There doesn't seem to be much turnover - the same people keep coming up.
- After a while, the "thrill" of meeting someone new turns into the "ho-hum".
Dating sites
NZDating
According to Nielsen/Netratings NZDating has around 250,000 unique site visitors in New Zealand every month. The age of members is evenly spread among the 20 to 50 age group and the site offers free membership. This gives you the ability to communicate with other members via email; to create a personal profile with photos; use content and contact controls to decide the types of photos, content and members you'd like to see; and participate in discussions and real-time online chatting.
Full membership of the site is free, but upgrading to premium Gold membership - the best deal is $59.95 for a year - gives users more features including enhanced profile and search options, info on which other members have viewed their profile, and additional blocking and content-control features.
Daters that we spoke to liked NZDating's honesty - the site caters for people who just want sex, as well as those looking for friendship and romance. NZDating lets you set your limits about what you want to see on the site. There is adult content.
FindSomeone
This is a moderated site, which means that all photos must be approved and members can report offensive behaviour. FindSomeone also offers free membership. This is at a more basic level than NZDating: you can "smile" at other members, but you can't email someone you fancy unless they email you first (they can only do that if they're a Gold member).
Our female daters said they never needed to upgrade to full Gold membership, as most male members of the site had gone for Gold. And the males did most of the contacting. Upgrading to Gold membership is more expensive than NZDating at $29.90 per month.
FindSomeone has a good mix of active members, especially in the 21 to 45 age group, but the biggest part of its membership - over 13,000 members - are aged 46 to 55.
Dating site prices
Notes:
A No minimum term. Credit card is charged monthly.
B Minimum term applies. Full amount is charged upfront.
Other sites
Other sites worth looking at include:
- www.socialise.biz - is a virtual dating site where members and guests can meet and interact virtually. It's a middle ground, between online interactivity and real life meetings. Members can go on a "virtual outing" with other members and behave and interact almost as you would on a real life outing.
- www.match.com - is an international dating site with over 8 million members.
- www.facebook.com - is a social networking site described as "Bebo for adults". Not technically a dating site, but who knows who you'll connect with.
Our advice
- The dating sites that we looked at are popular and well-run - our daters were very satisfied with both NZDating and FindSomeone.
- Our internet daters all accepted that dating is a bit of a numbers game; finding iLOVE might take a bit of time but is possible. They're hanging in there.
Five iLOVE tips
- 1. Be safe - always meet in a public place and don't give out your home number or address. Tell a friend where you're going before you go on your first date.
- 2. Complete your profile - take the time to fill out the profile honestly and in full. This gives people as much information as possible and also looks more genuine. If you're only looking for casual encounters, say so.
- 3. Include a picture - profiles with pictures are viewed much more often. Ensure the picture is actually of you and is recent. X-rated photos are a turn-off.
- 4. Be proactive - search for attributes that you're interested in and do the initial contacting yourself.
- 5. Be casual - make your first date not a date. Meeting for a coffee is a nice casual way to start. If you don't get on, then you haven't wasted much time or money.
Report by Rachael Bowie