Fake love: How to avoid romance scams

Romance scams have devastating consequences for their victims. But what is a romance scam, why do they work, and how can you spot one?

What is a romance scam?

A romance scam is when a scammer develops a romantic relationship with a victim for financial gain.

Romance scams are not new. They’ve been around since the 16th Century. But the internet and proliferation of social media and dating apps have created the perfect conditions for romance scams to proliferate.

Social media profiles – linked to profiles on dating apps – are easy to create and easy to fake, while dating apps give scammers unfettered access to vast numbers of people looking for love.

Why do romance scams work?

Romance scams are extremely sophisticated and highly targeted, according to Tom Roberts, threat and incident response team lead at the National Cyber Security Centre.

“A romance scam might start with some scouting. The scammers will go on social media or go on dating sites, or they might find someone recently bereaved by looking at the death notices pages in the newspaper. Then they’ll just work their way in with a victim. You’ll hear about their day, you’ll hear about what’s going on with their family, they’ll say that they love you.”

Ultimately the scammers are in it for money, but because a straight request for a huge sum is likely to raise a red flag for a potential victim, methods of extracting money might be less direct and harder to spot.

There’s a range of ways that romance scammers will monetise a relationship according to Roberts.

“A scammer might just let on that they’re starting to have problems. It might be that they’re late paying their rent and then they’ve got a parking ticket. The victim might then offer to pay. They might get you to set up a cryptocurrency trading account to make an investment for yourself. Really regretfully, what it can lead to is the sharing of explicit images which can lead to blackmail.”

These indirect methods of extracting money help to avoid suspicion. The victim isn’t giving away a huge amount of money, they’re investing it. When they start to see huge returns, they might start to invest greater amounts.

“Once the scammer knows they’ve got someone on the hook, then they can start exploiting them for more and more,” Roberts says.

Romance scams can have devastating consequences

In a romance scam, the victim believes they are in a relationship with their scammer. They trust the scammer and believe he or she will act in their best interests. This can have devastating consequences.

In 2023, the National Cyber Security Centre received 201 reports about romance scams, collectively amounting to losses of $1.75 million, an average loss of $8,700 per reported incident. The organisation reports that romance scams regularly feature among incidents with losses of over $100,000.

“Scammers usually target high wealth individuals. They’re investing their time into it, so they want to make sure the money is there so they can slowly drain it out of them … If someone is elderly, with a bit of money in the bank, they’ll go after their life savings,” Roberts says.

Romance scammers are organised criminals

Because the potential spoils of romance scams are so significant, organised criminal enterprises in Asia have begun to operate them on an industrial scale. Often, the perpetrators of romance scams are themselves the victims of human trafficking or slavery.

In November 2024, Australian Federal Police reported working with Philippines law enforcement agencies to raid a scam compound in Manila. The raid followed an operation to disrupt crime syndicates targeting Australians.

During the raid, authorities arrested more than 190 foreign nationals and 68 Filipinos, and seized more than 300 computer towers, over 1,000 mobile phones and thousands of sim cards.

It is thought the scams orchestrated by the syndicate targeted Australian men aged over 35 on social media and dating applications, and involved developing relationships to build trust before asking the victims to invest money in a fake cryptocurrency platform.

The scammers worked shifts to align with Australian time zones, and requested a minimum first investment of between AUD$300 and $800, before encouraging the victim to invest more money.

Following the investigation, the Australian authorities texted more than 5,000 potential victims, urging them not to send money to people they’ve met online, and outlining the next steps to take if they had already sent money to scammers.

This is not an isolated incident. A 2023 report issued by the UN Human Rights Office showed that hundreds of thousands of people are being forcibly engaged in scams by gangs in Myanmar, Cambodia, Laos, the Philippines and Thailand. Many of these scam compounds run ‘pig-butchering’ scams, named for the way in which victims are fattened up before being butchered, with romance scams a key entry point into these scams. A report by US academics estimated that over USD$75 billion had been stolen from 4,000 victims through ‘pig-butchering’ scams, many of which originate in Asia, between 2020 and 2024.

How to protect yourself from romance scams

Your bank is not obligated to reimburse any losses you suffer through a romance scam, so it’s incredibly important to be careful when you’re looking for love online.

All the usual advice about protecting yourself against scams applies – be suspicious of unsolicited contact, resist attempts to make you act urgently, and don’t click on any links.

But romance scams are one of the many ways scammers try to get around the protection advice we’re given, so here are some specific things to watch out for.

• Never send money to anyone you have only communicated with online. If you haven’t met someone in person, do not give them anything of monetary value.
• Set, and stick to, clear boundaries for online relationships. Before developing a relationship with someone you only know online, set clear boundaries and do not cross them.
• Be suspicious of any attempt to influence your behaviour. Scammers know that asking for money is likely to raise a red flag, so may attempt to get to your money indirectly. Requests that you send a picture, buy a small amount of cryptocurrency or make an investment on a seemingly legitimate website might seem harmless, but there’s almost certainly an ulterior motive.
• Pay attention to warnings from your bank. Romance scams are one of the types of scams that the new confirmation of payee service offered by banks can help to detect. If you try to make a payment to your online partner but the bank account doesn’t match their name, do not send the payment. If they are using a different name for their banking to the they use to communicate with you, this is also a warning sign.
• Talk to friends and family about online relationships. You might feel embarrassed to admit you’re in an online relationship, but if you’re lovestruck, a fresh pair of eyes could help spot the signs of a scam. If you’re not comfortable speaking to friends or family, give the Netsafe helpline a call at 0508 638 723. Netsafe is New Zealand’s independent, non-profit online safety organisation.
• Reluctance to meet or requests for secrecy. If your online love interest is reluctant to meet in person or doesn’t want you to mention them to your friends or family, this is probably a bad sign. Move on.
• Don’t send anything you wouldn’t post publicly on social media. Don’t give an online romantic partner anything you wouldn’t post publicly on social media. This isn’t just intimate photographs, but includes your address and other potentially sensitive personal information.
• Don’t move to another messaging service. If you meet someone on a dating platform and they quickly suggest moving away to an encrypted messaging service like WhatsApp or Telegram, be suspicious.

What to do if you are the victim of a romance scam

If you think you may be the victim of a romance scam, it’s incredibly important to get help. A scam does not necessarily end when the victim realises they’ve been scammed.

“Often people have been in a scam for a while and all of a sudden, they start to think it’s a scam and that they need to get out. This is where the blackmail can happen, and this is where they’ll say that they’re going to send all of your pictures to your family and they’re going to destroy your life,” Roberts says.

“People need to be aware that they’re not alone in this. It happens regularly and it happens to people we wouldn’t think it would happen to.”

If you’ve lost money to a scam, you should report it to the police. They may be able to provide support and help limit the damage. Be aware, though, that their jurisdiction is limited to New Zealand. With scams often orchestrated overseas, the police will have limited ability to recover funds.

It is also important to contact your bank. Banks are not obligated to reimburse you for losses sustained in a romance scam, but they may be able to mitigate any further damage. Reporting the incident could also help banks identify the accounts used to orchestrate scams and protect other victims.

If the scam has been orchestrated online, it’s important to report it to CERT NZ, part of the National Cyber Security Centre. The National Cyber Security Centre runs Own Your Online, and the service has helpful advice on how to spot a scam and what to do if you get caught out.

If you need further support and guidance, you can contact Netsafe on 0508 638 723. The helpline is open from 8am to 8pm on weekdays and 9am to 5pm on weekends.

You can also contact Victim Support, which offers free support for people affected by crime. The Victim Support helpline is available 24/7 at 0800 842 846.